What Now?
It is 11:54 pm and I am awake. Normally by now I am fast asleep. I cannot seem to turn off the rolodex. I am tired, but I am still awake. So I thought I would just talk to my blog and see where it takes me.
I spoke with my mom today. That always takes something out of me. I love her. She is an amazing woman. She has managed to get through some very difficult times. She has a big heart and she can be very cute. We have worked through a number of issues. We have talked about our perceptions of the time we lived together as a family. She saw things differently than I and being able to talk openly about those helped a great deal. She is almost 80 now and she cannot do what she used to do. She lives in an apartment where they keep an eye on her and this is very good. She also lives near her family and they keep an eye on her. But sometimes I wish she lived closer. I start to think that I want to be closer to her. But then I actually talk to her, or I go visit, and I see that we do not do that well together. I do not like who I am when I am around her. She has a different life style that I do. We tend to bring out the worst in each other. So I know that I am better off having contact with her on the phone 2 or 3 times a week. I think what I am missing right now is the dream of having a mom who loves me unconditionally. I know intellectually that my mom loves me very much and shows it in ways that are meaningful to her, but not always in ways that mean that much to me. I know intellectually that I am the only one who can love me the way I want. I know that I am the only one who knows my needs and can fulfill the parts that felt ignored or put off as a child. But sometimes in the night, or the day, I wish I could have that perfect mom. I think that is what I am missing right now. The holidays are coming up. In my house this was a time of tension and fighting. My dad did not like the holidays. He was always angry and on edge. This made the holidays stressful and difficult. Since I have become an adult I have worked at making the holidays fun and full of love. I have built some of my own traditions such as wrapping presents while watching Christmas movies and drinking eggnog. Like riding around and looking at the lights people put up. Like shopping and looking for something special for the ones I love. I even decorate my house now. Most of all I have a wonderful partner to share all of this with. We have made Christmas a time of love and joy. But I still wish I could go home, like the movies I used to love, and be with my loving family. It is a dream. My family was never like that. So now I can make it whatever I want. That makes me happy, but there is still that part–way down in my soul–that wishes. Aw well, I know this is just wishful thinking. I love me and I will give my little girl, that is my inner child, a special present.
As I am writing this I also feel a sense of loss about not having children. I was afraid to have children when I was younger. I knew I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I know all of us did, and I was afraid to pass that on. I did not trust me enough. It has taken years for me to trust myself. I now trust me more than ever because I am as honest with myself as I can be. I know that my parents were not honest with me. I also know that they were not honest with themselves. They kept things from me, in an attempt to take care of me and not talk about their fears. The problem with that was that I filled the void with fear. As a child that fear was of monsters and big horrible things that I could not understand. As I grew up my fears became even more difficult. I know that I was afraid to face many things. I have worked at making a safe place for myself in the world. Now I can face more and more. I am very proud of the work I have done. It has gotten so good that I can even face the loss of the dream of having a Norman Rockwell family. Gee I guess there really is a Christmas!