And If You Did Know?

I am sitting here not knowing what is next. I just kind of feel as though I am a raw nerve, and do not want to move too much or say too much. I am getting glimpses of normalcy, but it is not there. I feel as though I am moving through a fog and yet I am here. I had no idea dad’s death would impact this much. I am doing some of the things I normally do on Monday, but it feels different. I find myself not understanding things, that I am somehow outside of myself and watching myself. It is odd. At the same time I feel a clarity that I do not normally feel. I am not pushing myself, and yet I am finding that I feel connected when I do little things like sweeping the floor. I do not notice the passage of time and yet I am very aware of the time. This is very different way to feel for me. I miss my dad even though I had little contact with him. I feel as though I should call him, knowing that he is not there. I want to hear his voice even though I usually felt either nothing or badly after talking to him. I want to call people to talk, and yet I do not want to have to deal with it. It is a very different way to feel. I miss my husband terribly and yet I am relieved to be alone. I am enjoying the silence and yet I want to be distracted. I have no focus and yet I feel very aware of what is going on within me.

Another thing I think is emerging as a result of this experience is that I can see that an awful lot of what I have been worrying about is not worth the time and effort. Being so involved in politics for example, while it can be fun and interesting, needs to be put in the proper perspective. I like looking at politics and will continue to do so, but I need to keep a perspective about it. It is only one part of my life, it has only the significance I give it and no more. Things have always been difficult in the world, and will continue to be so. I can do some small things to help, and no more. I need to take a break from things now and then. I think this coming weekend my husband and I can give ourselves permission to do something just for us. I have truly enjoyed being in this campaign and I love the friends I have made, but I need to keep in mind that politics overall are meaningless. The people involved are important, the outcomes and the mess they provide are not real. I guess that is the key to this. What is after all real? The mess being made by the Washington Keystone Cops is not real. The truth of life is about people; not money, not power, not politics, not ownership, not any of the artificial things we run after. People and love are real.