And If You Did Know?

So here we are at the beginning of the Democratic convention. It is very different than when I was a child. I remember watching the 1968 convention and seeing all of the emotion and passion. I was facinated. But tonight I fear that it will be a scripted and emotionless prefunctory exercise. I am going to vote for Kerry but mostly because I do not like the way the neo-cons are running things. I am not sure Kerry will be much different, but at least he will not be smirking and mugging all of the time. I also hope he spends more time in Washington working instead of at home playing.

I must admit that I had hopes for Kucinich, but alas he did not have the backing. I had hopes for Dean, but alas he was too real. I do not have much hope for Kerry, I think he is in the pocket of big business or they would not be letting him run at all. I think it is a matter of being acceptable by big business or you cannot run.

I must admit that Ralph Nader is still one of my heros. I admire his ability to run even with so much criticism surrounding him. He speaks truth to power, and power does not like that. He has been vilified by most everyone and I think that is wrong. I think he just says what he knows to be the truth. I like him as a voice for the rest of us.

At any rate the race is on. We will watch the rhetoric run rampant. We will watch as the mud flies. We will watch as the true issues get lost in the silly wedge issues and silly “moral” issues cloud the truth. The truth is the gap between the rich and the poor is growing at an alarming rate. What happens when it reaches a critical point is revolution. This has always been the case in the past. I think we are closer to that now than ever before. I know that we have the most powerful tool we have ever had—The Internet—the great equalizer. Everyone’s voice is accepted here. You can say whatever you want, and the test is who reads it. The fact that 10 million people–world-wide—protested the war in Iraq is proof that it is a growing force to be dealt with. I like that a lot.

We have moved. We now live in Kansas City, KS. So far I like this place. It has been described as 50 communities, 2 states, 1 city. I like the diversity of the place. It feels like home to me.

There seem to be a number of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds represented here, that feels like America to me.

As a child I lived in the north where racism was pretty covert, but very real. We then moved to the rural south where racism was overt and accepted. I remember walking into a 5 and 10 cent store with my mother and seeing a set of drinking foutains. One was marked white and one was marked colored. I started pulling on my mother’s hand insisting that I wanted to see what color the water was. She stopped me and told me that it was for colored people. I remember thinking that I did not understand why some people got a more colorful fountain than I could have. I look back on that incident now and realize that everything is about perspective. I did not know that it was about discrimination back then.

I look at the way we discriminate and I feel sad and angry. It stops us from being all that we can be and keeps us stuck in fear. Prejudice in all its in various forms is so wrong and yet we keep doing it over and over.

Moving to a place that seems to be more culturally divergent and accepting is something I like. I want to be a part of something growing and vital. That is one of the reasons I love this country. It is something wonderful and real. But it is under attack. Not from some small, beleagered, war-torn place like Iraq but from unchecked growth and greed. It is greed and the lust for power that has become the problem for this earth.

I have been watching the 9/11 commission hearings and one thing that keeps coming up for me is how much we are looking for who did something wrong which led to the tragedy of that day. I cannot help but think that it was one of those unavoidable things that happens in the world. It was a terrible thing and I do not think we can just accept that things like this happen without there being some way of stopping it. The problem with that is that the only way to stop it is to curtail the freedoms of everyone to the point where we are under surveillance continously. I hear a great deal about the Bush administration not taking the treat of terroism seriously and because of that the attacks happened. I think this is truly a case of not wanting to accept that awful things happen and that there is not a lot we can do about it. Because we do not live in a world where everyone knows what her or his actual needs are and how to fulfill them, we are going to have people doing things that impinge upon the rights of others to get their needs met. I look at the ways some Muslims are willing to sacrifice themselves for the promise of rewards in heaven and I think what a tragedy. What if their leaders were helping them develop into the best person they could be here. What if they were helped to love themselves and others and to put their energy into solving the problems instead of hating and wanting to destroy enemies.

Of course I look at our society and think that we are trained to be consumers and good little workers. What if the focus here was about loving self and others and looking for ways of making the world safer and more user friendly. So much of our energy is used up working to make money so we can have things. These things do not mean much and yet we spend most of our time and effort trying to have more stuff. There is not much money to be made in trying to make the world safe and happy, instead we are mostly motivated by fear. So we see the world as being scary and awful.

I know that governments are usually run by people who think it is their job to protect us from some real or perceived menace. For years here it was the Soviet “Red Menace” so the government was essential to protect us from communism and the threat of nuclear attack. We never really came under attack and we did not need the nuclear arms race to be safe, but once we began it was hard to stop, we had let the genie out of the bottle. So now we have huge stock piles of weapons that we do not need. We are also very afraid that some terrorist group will get a weapon and use it on us. Gee, could this have been averted by not developing these weapons in the first place? This is not an easy question and it brings up a number of other questions. One of these questions is how many weapons do we need? We have a military-industrial-congressional complex that seems to exist for the sake of itself now. They are always looking for ways of making more weapons and more money. They do not exist to make us safe. We do not need huge stock piles of weapons to be safe, and yet they continue to manufacture them. We put more money and energy into developing weapons than we do into anything else. What if we spent that money on developing ways of using our natural resources and the planet in such a way as to help it sustain us?

Some Muslim countries seem to try to turn their people into weapons, we seem to try to turn our resources into weapons. What if we used that energy differently? It is something to think about.

Last Sunday’s Super Bowl turned out to offer us a controversy. How unusual. This particular controversy revolves around a human breast. The fact that so many people are upset about this is very curious. We are ambivalent about the female breast. The fact that its exposure on national television has brought forth so many angry and sexist comments is facinating. Ms. Jackson may or may not have known this was going to happen, but the fact that it did has brought about some new types of dialogue.

I feel embarassed for Ms. Jackson. If she knew and let it happen then my embarassment is for Ms. Jackson’s need for external validation being so great that she would degrade herself this much. If she did not know then it is about how awful she must feel about this. Either way I feel badly about what happened to her. I hope that she can gain some understanding about herself because of this.

I feel less disposed to feel embarassment for Justin Timberlake. I feel angry at him for the stunt. I know that in recent years the level of civility in this country has decreased significantly. I know that frat boy antics have dominated the culture. I also know that women being objectified as mere sexual playthings has become commonplace. It has reached an all time low and this incident has made that very clear. If you look at the current music videos the women are just there as sexual objects. In all types of advertisments women are just bodies. We have lost any type of view of women as being people. Of course men are treated just as badly. Men are viewed as adolescent miscreants. The current view of men being just macho neanderthals is insulting to men. I know that some men may indeed fit this image, however, it does not fit all men. I also know that Madison Ave. presents very limited views of people for their own purposes. This helps them sell products. Look at how many people wear certain type of clothes. For instance, jeans. This is the result of having people see things from a certain perspective. If they can shape the perspective then they can have us buying what they sell. One of the problems with this is that society then responds to the basest common demoniator. SUV’s are just such a product. They are bad for the environment, they get terrible gas mileage, and they are not that safe, yet we cannot buy enough of them. Madison Ave. spends millions on understanding how to manipulate us. They are doing a great job. But what is the cost to us?

I just watched a segment of Democracy Now from Democracy Now.org. One of the issues presented was about the White House’s new plan to use peer review of all scientific data that is going to be presented to the public. The representative that was defending the White House was from the Chamber of Commerce. The person representing the other side was a former Department of Energy Offical. The DEO person kept saying the the White House was trying to keep any information that might cost big business money quite and this is why they want to start managing information. He said the review process we have now works. The COC guy said they wanted to make sure the review was presented to the public, and in saying that said they wanted “transparency”. I listened for a while and noticed that I was becoming very upset. The DEO guy kept trying to make a point and engage the COC guy to no avail. The COC guy just kept going back to his point that they wanted to have transparency. I finally stopped listening. I have had time to think about it now and I think I finally got a big piece of what was so hard to hear.

It has been my experience that when I am discussing something with another person that I become less interested when the other person does not listen. I see that when politicians are discussing something they just keep making their point and do not engage in discussion. I have a negative reaction to this type of manipulation. I know that the other person has an agenda and that they do not want something as dull as facts to interfere with their beliefs. I have seen this many times.

When I was a child I saw this type of manipulation often. My father would use it then my brother began to use it as a child. I would talk to them and never get answers or a direct response. They just kept making their point. If I continued to try to get a discussion started they would eventually turn to personal attacks. I see this is what the Right often does. I remember watching Phyllis Schaffly debate about the ERA (Equal Rights Admendmant) in the 1980’s. She never answered questions and would just go back to her orginal statements or comments. She always had a smug look on her face and I wondered why she always seemed to feel as though she won. I see now that it was again a case of never legitamizing the other person’s point of view by engaging it. In the case of the COC guy, he simply ignored both the DOE guy and the host, Amy Goodman by ignoring their points and talking about his agenda. It was a very interesting situation.

I like that I finally see this so clearly. I have always been sensitive to someone having a hidden agenda with me. I remember asking one of my college professors why Phyllis Schaffly was so opposed to the ERA. Her response was “Who knows”. I knew at the time that it was not so much what she was saying and that she had some hidden agenda. I do not know whether it was about wanting to hurt women, wanting to keep women in their place, wanting to promote her view of the way women should act, or what. I do know it was not about what she was saying. I believe that a part of it had to do with pleasing the people who backed her financially. I know that big business was opposed the the ERA because it would have required them to give equal pay. I also know that most reasonable people would be alright with that. So to oppose the passage of it based on that would not have been a problem with most people. So the ones who stood to lose the most looked for ways that would be alright. They played to the fears of people. I remember an aunt of mine saying she did not want it to pass because she did not want anyone telling her that she would have to being working construction. I remember thinking that the entire admendment was only 24 words and only referred to no governmental body being able to enact laws that adbriged the right of anyone based on gender. But the right (big business) managed to make people afraid by using people like Ms. Schaffly to scare people about it. Wow, they are quite something huh?

It is 5:00 am and I just woke up after having a dream. In the dream I was a therapist seeing a little girl. I suddenly found myself sexually abusing her. Then I was having a conversation with her parents where she seemed very frightened of me. I told them that they needed to take her somewhere else because we just did not have the rapport to contine with therapy. Then I woke up. My training as a therapist says that I am all of the people in my dreams so now I am looking at what it means.

I was abused as a child by my father. This began when I was a toddler and perhaps before. There were other offenders as I grew up, but the one that did the most damage was the this one. I did not have words to talk about it and have it stop. I did not know how to stop it. I did not even understand what was happening. But I did not like it at some level. It continued until I was about 8 years old then it stopped. My father later told me he did not want to abuse me anymore so he pulled away in every way. I took this as evidence that I had done something wrong and that I was at fault. For years I have felt as though I was too needy and that I needed to not have any needs so that I would not be bad. So I know I am the little girl in my dream. I also know that I was the abuser. I turned the responsiblility of the abuse in on myself. I did not make it stop and I heard over and over that it would not happen if I were not so pretty. This is one of the reasons sexual abuse is so damaging. The recipent of the abuse turns it in on self and it warps the sense of self. I did not know what to do with the feelings it brought up. So the dream helps me see that I felt responsible not only for the abuse, but also for not taking making it stop, and not knowing how to defend myself.

Last night we spent time with my in-laws. My husband has a throat condition that causes him to throw up when eating at times. It has been diagnosed as a Shotsky’s ring. This is a condition where a portion of the throat closes down and over time it needs to be expanded by inserting a tube down his throat and blowing up a ballon type of thing which forces the ring to expand. When I met him he had been having this procedure done about every 5 months. He was taking a prescription medication to help with acid reflux, and he had indigestion often. He also had to throw up when eating often. The procedure would alleviate the symtoms for about one week to one month then he would throw up again. I suggested that perhaps the procedure was not working. He began to take an enzyme from a health food store to help him digest his food. He also began talking much more openly about what was going on with him. Over the course of about 2 years he stopped having reflux. I think his having it was the result of not having learned to talk through his emotions. So between talking more and taking the enzyme he did not have the reflux. Then he began to talk more about what was going on with him when he had to throw up. He began to see that when he had unexpressed emotions and issues he would have more incidents. He now knows that talking helps him not have the problem as often. As he gets more and more open it is less of a problem. But, it still happens. It is not as bad as if used to be, but it is still there. He has begun to understand that it is really a spasm that happens when he is stuffing problems or when he has not gotten to express them openly.

So last night as we were having dinner with his parents he had two incidents. I am left sitting there with them and thought I needed to explain that a weather front was moving in and this causes more sinus drainage than normal and that this causes the spasm to come on. His father became very angry and said: “He has a Shotsky’s ring, and he needs to go to the doctor and have it dialated.” I became very angry and I just got the key from my husband and went out and waited in the car.

I have been dealing with what all of this means and I am going to try to make sense of it here. One thing that comes up is that I felt as though I took care of my little girl part by not making her stay in a situation that felt scary, my father-in-law was angry. Another is that I did not want to say or do anything that would harm the existing relationship and I had too many things going on with me to sort out what was his stuff and what was mine. It is not easy to talk when I am all confused like that. So I took myself out of the situation. I see by the dream that I felt deep down that I put my feelings above my father-in-law’s in a way that helps me feel as though I will take care of me in a threatening situation as opposed to trying to take care of him as I had done with my father. This is a major piece for me.

A few years ago at Thanksgiving we came to share the holiday with my in-laws. I was pretty sick at the time. I now know that I have a condition that is truly about letting all of the toxins that built up from my childhood and subsequently. It has manifested as a condition called Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding, with some mennoraghia. I am finally getting over this but it has taken 5 years. So when we came to visit them, 4 years ago I was having a difficult time. At any rate it there was a lot going on that year as my brother-in-law had found a wonderful woman to marry and she and here children were there for their first Thanksgiving with the family. My in-laws lost a child 30 years ago to lukemia. She got sick on Thanksgiving and died on Christmas day. So the house was full of tension and fear. My father-in-law seemed to think it was my fault (albeit that this is coming through my filters and colored by my fear that I am at fault for everything). I remember wanting to leave early. So we went back to the hotel rather abruptly. After that we went home to South Carolina. Then a year later we moved back here to Springfield so Mark could take a consulting position with the State. We went to visit my in-laws just after Thanksgiving, and I asked what the family was doing for Christmas. Nothing was said so I asked again. Then my mother-in-law said they would be having Christmas with my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I said it hurt my feelings that we were not being included. My father-in-law became very angry and began to say that we were not welcome to be a part of family celebrations. Further that because of my behavior the previous year we would not be welcome at anything for a time. He accused me of being prejudiced against my sister-in-law’s children because their biological father is African-American and so he did not want me to be around for family celebrations. I was stunned. I understand that people often project their stuff onto others, so I know he was actually talking about himself. But to have him accuse me of something this awful was a blind-side I was not expecting. This incident set the tone for my fear of him. When this happened I sat and listened to him be angry. He then said he was over it and it needed to be dropped. Just like that it was supposed to be over. He would not listen to anything I had to say. So I developed a heightened sense of protection around him. Just like I had done with my own father. (My father would often become very angry for no apparent reason then beat me saying it had been my fault). So I am wary of people who blame me. I have been struggling with this one my whole life. I have been told by peole who know me that I seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I now understand that when I feel threatened I am not sure I will be able to take care of myself so I am afraid to be in threatening situations. One of the problems with this is that so much of the world can appear threatening.

Because of the DUB, Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding, I have been unable to be out and about as much as I used to be. I have been out and had clots pass that ended up on the floor of where ever I was. This is very embarrasing. It is also physically taxing. If I have been having a lot of bleeding for a while this type of incident can cause me to become dizzy and disoriented. So I have been more house bound. Now that I am coming out of this condition I am feeling much better, but it has been tough. I have been home bound for much of the last 5 years. I have been able to listen to the small voice inside like I never have before. I have been able to discover more of the true me. I have begun to see the parts that I have been to afraid to discover. I know that what happened last night was another opportunity to discover what helps me feel cared for and what brings up the fear and false personality stuff.

As I have talked about in other entries I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, Mark. With his love and support I have been able to finally have a safe place to discover me. I know that one of the reasons we are together is to help each other heal the wounds from childhood. I know that I finally have a relationship that is based on trust and love. I know that when I am in situations where I do not feel cared about that I do not like it and the red flags go up. I am beginning to trust my instincts much more and to recognize when I feel threatened and out of control. I also see that this helps me to feel more in control and to trust that I will take care of me in these situations. This feels very good. I feel more accepting of myself. I like this.

If you want to know more about how the rich have taken over our government read this article.

We are back home from a small vacation. We went to Manteo, NC to spend Thanksgiving with my Mother. Wow, what a trip. It is about 1,100 miles from here and it is not an easy trip. We do love going through the mountains of West Virginia and Virginia. We also love spending time in the car together. But Mark and I are tired. I am up and sorting through the joy and the trauma of seeing my Mother.

Mom is getting more and more frail. It is hard to see her in this condition. She has trouble breathing and she is less able to take care of herself. It is so hard to see her like this. I know she is coming to the end and that is so hard I cannot get my mind around it now. There are so many things running through my mind I cannot sleep. I know that she needs more care, but Mom is very independant. She is now living in section 8 housing that is alright but could be better. It fits her income and that is good. But there is no one there to take care of her. She talked about falling down recently and hurting her leg. She said she wrapped it and stayed in bed for a week. Then she felt it was alright. I can see that she needs several things. One is that she needs someone to see that she has food. Another is to see that she is alright. She will not tell anyone when she is hurt. She needs to see a doctor to see if there are things that can help her feel better. But my Mother is afraid to let anyone see her pain. She grew up with a very punishing father and an ineffective mother. She is very afraid of letting anyone see her weaknesses. She wants to do things her own way.

My problem is how do I sort out what I want to do to help her, and what I can do that will help without taking away her independance. It has always been a delicate dance. It is made harder because she is not direct. She does not talk in ways that show anyone her truth. She trusts me as much as anyone and yet she does not tell me the truth about what is going on with her. For example, she has always hated where she lived. Within 3 to 4 months of being anywhere she starts finding fault with the place and the people. She is now talking of moving from Manteo to Williamston, NC. This would be a very hard move as it is 300 miles. She wants me to help her and this would be hard since I live in Springfield, IL. Add to that the fact that she wants to do things her way and will not tell me what those are and you begin to see how hard it all is. I would like her to move into an assisted living situation where she can have as much independance as she wants. This would give her a place to have her own apartment and her own car. She could have a kitchen and cook for herself but there would also be prepared food available if she did not want to cook. There would be someone to look in on her. She wants to move to Williamston and move into section 8 housing again where no one will be in her business.

I would like her to move to Tampa, FL where my brother lives. He would like to have her there. I think it would be ideal because the Tampa Bay area has many services for retired people and she could have a place to live where people would be as involved as they need to be. But she is afaid that my brother and his wife would be too involved and that they would want her to baby sit with my sister-in-law’s adopted child, who has special needs. I truly do not want her to move here because I know she would become a hugh part of our lives and that would cause me to resent her. I spent a number of years trying to take care of her. I put off my own life in trying to make sure she was okay. I know I will fall into that pattern again. I now have a wonderful life and do not want to interfere with that. Gosh that sounds and feels very selfish. I know that taking care of myself and putting my needs first is important. But I want to take care of Mom as well. So I am up and trying to sort it out. It is very difficult. There are no easy answers and I admit to having a hard time between what will take care of me and what I can do to take care Mom. I do not want to take away her independance, nor do I want to give up mine. I know my wanting her to move to Tampa is about having her near family. I also know I do not want her near me. I feel as though living with or near her for 40 years was enough. I know I do not like who I am when I am around her. So I guess I have some more sorting to do.

Well the subject was brought to the table again. This is one of those sticky, messy and difficult subjects that divide us and keep things stirred up. Recently I saw the photo (op) of George W. Bush and his cronies standing around smiling while they signed the partial birth abortion ban. Several journals have made reference to the fact that the people in the photo are all male. I find it very interesting that there are no women. None of the people who helped this happen have a womb.

In the late 80’s I was on the board of NOW, the National Organization for Women. I joined in order to understand myself as a woman and to see how other women felt. I soon got involved in the stuggle to maintain the Roe Vs Wade decision. I helped escort women into clinics. I often heard people scream at these women and call them terrible names. I also felt the rocks thrown at them and us. I came to see how difficult the decision was to have an abortion in the first place. Because I talked to these women. None of the women I talked to were taking this decision lightly or had come to it without a great deal of anguish and fear. I tried to be supportive of them. I also tried not to judge them or their circumstances. But I often saw the people who were screaming at them as being very afraid. I also tried to have conversations with some of them. Some of the people who identified themselves as pro-life were commited to saving lives. They felt that abortion was murder. I saw that there were a number of them who truly felt that and they were sincere. I tried not to judge them either. But some of them seemed to me to have another agenda. I would not say I absolutely knew what their agenda was, but I knew it was not what they were telling me. I got to debate with some pro-lifers and what they said was that it was a sin and that it should not happen no matter what. I had the hardest time with them. It seemed to me that they had made up their minds and that they were not interested in debate. The group that I came into contact with was Concerned Women of America. What struck me most about them was that they dressed alike, spoke alike, said all of the same things, and that they were all fairly well to do. As a member of NOW one of the things that became apparent was that all of the women and men I met had ideas of their own. It seemed to me that when I was involved in conversation with someone within the organization I found different ideas and opinions. We had a few similarities such as being for choice. Some of the women did not like the idea of abortion and wanted to work for a world in which it was not necessary. Some of the women wanted to help women find alternatives such as adoption. Some of the women felt that it was not up to them to decide what others should do. I admit I was more drawn to the group that was about choice. I wish no one ever had to make such a terrible decision and I do not know if I could do it. But I believe that I need to help people in trouble not judge them and tell them they are wrong. So I wish abortion was never necessary, but I cannot make decisions for others.

It is 11:54 pm and I am awake. Normally by now I am fast asleep. I cannot seem to turn off the rolodex. I am tired, but I am still awake. So I thought I would just talk to my blog and see where it takes me.

I spoke with my mom today. That always takes something out of me. I love her. She is an amazing woman. She has managed to get through some very difficult times. She has a big heart and she can be very cute. We have worked through a number of issues. We have talked about our perceptions of the time we lived together as a family. She saw things differently than I and being able to talk openly about those helped a great deal. She is almost 80 now and she cannot do what she used to do. She lives in an apartment where they keep an eye on her and this is very good. She also lives near her family and they keep an eye on her. But sometimes I wish she lived closer. I start to think that I want to be closer to her. But then I actually talk to her, or I go visit, and I see that we do not do that well together. I do not like who I am when I am around her. She has a different life style that I do. We tend to bring out the worst in each other. So I know that I am better off having contact with her on the phone 2 or 3 times a week. I think what I am missing right now is the dream of having a mom who loves me unconditionally. I know intellectually that my mom loves me very much and shows it in ways that are meaningful to her, but not always in ways that mean that much to me. I know intellectually that I am the only one who can love me the way I want. I know that I am the only one who knows my needs and can fulfill the parts that felt ignored or put off as a child. But sometimes in the night, or the day, I wish I could have that perfect mom. I think that is what I am missing right now. The holidays are coming up. In my house this was a time of tension and fighting. My dad did not like the holidays. He was always angry and on edge. This made the holidays stressful and difficult. Since I have become an adult I have worked at making the holidays fun and full of love. I have built some of my own traditions such as wrapping presents while watching Christmas movies and drinking eggnog. Like riding around and looking at the lights people put up. Like shopping and looking for something special for the ones I love. I even decorate my house now. Most of all I have a wonderful partner to share all of this with. We have made Christmas a time of love and joy. But I still wish I could go home, like the movies I used to love, and be with my loving family. It is a dream. My family was never like that. So now I can make it whatever I want. That makes me happy, but there is still that part–way down in my soul–that wishes. Aw well, I know this is just wishful thinking. I love me and I will give my little girl, that is my inner child, a special present.

As I am writing this I also feel a sense of loss about not having children. I was afraid to have children when I was younger. I knew I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I know all of us did, and I was afraid to pass that on. I did not trust me enough. It has taken years for me to trust myself. I now trust me more than ever because I am as honest with myself as I can be. I know that my parents were not honest with me. I also know that they were not honest with themselves. They kept things from me, in an attempt to take care of me and not talk about their fears. The problem with that was that I filled the void with fear. As a child that fear was of monsters and big horrible things that I could not understand. As I grew up my fears became even more difficult. I know that I was afraid to face many things. I have worked at making a safe place for myself in the world. Now I can face more and more. I am very proud of the work I have done. It has gotten so good that I can even face the loss of the dream of having a Norman Rockwell family. Gee I guess there really is a Christmas!