And If You Did Know?

… there’s a furball in your LAN!

I found Kabbala. I see know that this is where I have been heading. I need to form a connection to God. I need to gain some interaction with God.

Trying to understand God by looking at the world God created is like trying to understand how the mind works by looking at the brain. This is an example of chockmah (inspired wisdom) and then binah (inspired wisdom) (aka: deductive reasoning). Then in writing it down it becomes daat (knowledge).

To call Mark and tell him about it is to take action. The first step in this was writing down. Chesed is the first step of action. The Big Bang was an act of Chesed – endless and flowing.

God created the universe and us an an act of Chesed, then said enough; this is gevurah. iIn order to get all that God gave us, the second principle of Kabbala, requires that we earn it. We earn it by learning it in our own way. Like the parent who watches they child learning to walk by falling down.

I have not written for a few days, mostly because I had put what I had written on this blog on the Internet. When I did that I saw all the grammatical and spelling mistakes. I realized that if I am going to write it needs to be for me. I have been caught in that trap of seeking external validation.

I want this to be for me. I know that I will get much more out of writing if I do it for me. I know I exercised for years thinking it would transform me into the right kind of person. What I found after 10 years was that I am who I am.

I am here for a reason and that reason is to be me.

Not the story for publication or the one everyone else thinks I should be, but who I am. That is the hardest part of being human; to just be yourself. It changes all the time and yet it is amazingly the same. I am just me.

I just read a beautiful e-mail from my Sweetie. I know how lucky I am to have found someone that loves me without conditions or demands. Mark gives me a place to find the truth of me. He accepts me completely. In this atmosphere I can take the time to truly discover me. That is the true purpose of being here and yet it often becomes lost in the struggle of life.

I want to know more about me. I want to understand me more. I want to accept me more. I want to hear me more.

That is an important piece of this. To hear me more. I have talked to others often hoping to learn more about me and yet that does not really work. To hear me I need to talk to me. That is the reason for writing. It is me talking to me. It need be nothing else.

I know that recently I have been talking to Mark about wanting to share this information with others, but it is more important that I do it for me. I am a solitary person. I need quiet and peace. I do best when others are not around me. I like my own company best. I like people, but I need a lot of alone time so as not to get to far away from me. I get caught up in the stuff others easily.

I just spoke with my friend Laura. She asked why I was not involved politically in view of the passion I have about it. I could not come up with any good reasons. I told her it was about living in a very conservative area where support for liberal ideas is not abundant. She said I could find a way if I wanted to. I know she is right. I am not content to just sit back and do nothing. I know it is perhaps somewhat risky but I also know that I am capable of taking risk. I left Tampa even thous I had a great deal going for me there, that was a high risk situation. I think that I have let myself grow enough to take risks and let the fear just be th truth. I know that I can handle myself. I also know I have a wonderful support system with Mark. I have friends like Laura who will help me stay balanced. I know that I like to debate. I found out how to do that when I was working with offenders. I think working in politics would be fun.

I woke up again in the night. I feel depressed and lethargic. I am trying to understand why I am feeling this way. I know a part of it has to do with moving. I just talked to Mark and I got down to what it is for me. I feel helpless because I just feel as though there is nothing I can do about things. I have been watching television and movies my whole life and even though I know it is fantasy it always seems as though the people are able to be in control of their lives. I understand that this is actually about the hopes and dreams of the writers and the people who bring these ideas the screen. But I keep wishing I could feel feel as in control. I understand that feeling out of control is normal. I also understand that each of us has our own way of gaining a sense of control. If people would just understand that the world would be a better place if they could love and accept themselves and others. If people could just make themselves happy then the world would be a happy place. I know that things are not that simple. But what a world we could have. I want to have some control right now. I want to have a job so I can feel as though I have that type of control even though I know that feeling in control does not happen at work. This is more a case of feeling as though what I am doing now is not enough so I want to do things differently. I know intellectually that I am only in control of me. Recently I have been looking outside of me a great deal. I have been looking at Washington and politics in general and feeling helpless about the way things are. I understand why people (the ultra-right wing conservatives for example) are trying to feel in control by creating a world that fits into their idea of perfect. I know that we all feel as though if we could just make the world fit into our idea of perfect then perhaps the world will be safe enough so that we can feel safe. The problem is that every person has their own way of feeling safe and secure. So there is no way of making that hapen. Plus if people ever feel as though they can rely upon their own judgment then Madison Ave., the government, big business, institutionalized religion, and many others will find themselves obsolete.

I am sitting here feeling as though I do not matter. I sent a resume out to get a job as a clinical supervisor of a drug program here in Springfield and as usual I am not getting called. One of the worst parts about this is I do not know why. I know I am filling in the gap about it with my own fears. I am playing the critical card again. I would not like having to go to work every day any more, and yet I miss it. I wish I could help myself feel important. I know that it is only me that matters in terms of how I feel about me. I feel as though I should do something important. I feel as though I am just wasting my life because I am not sharing it with others. I know intellectually that it only matters what I think and that no one else’s opinion is important. But I wish I could help. I see so much pain and suffering and I wish I could help with hat. I know that everyone is here to find their own way and that I am here for the same reason, but I feel as though just doing it for me is so very selfish. I guess I feel that unless someone else hears it, it does not matter as much. That is a key. I feel as though unless some else hears it and agrees then it is not as important. I know that is not true and yet it does feel that way. I know one of the reasons I as a woman have felt unimportant is that I have always felt as though what I have to say was irrelevant and silly. I did not know that is how I felt until now. Wow, that means a lot. I know that this is because I have not usually felt as though anyone took me seriously. I also know that I am the one who does not take me all that seriously. In order to fit in I have negated my own thoughts. I used to negate my feelings, but through years of working on that one I have learned to listen to them and it helps me in all situations. I have not paid as much attention to what I thought. So that is the reason for finally writing it down.

I read some stuff yesterday about misogyny. It seems there are several sites on the internet devoted to saying women have it easy. This astounds me. I do not think anyone has it easy. I think we all have struggles and that everyone has to understand themselves for themselves. This is very hard since there are no easy ways of doing this. I also feel as though you can never understand self by looking through the eyes of another. While looking at the sites saying that women have it easy I was stuck by several things. One was the feeling of hatred. I know that it says volumes about the person who created the web site and not much about anyone else, but it is a shame that someone has to carry such negative feelings and not have a way of resolving them. I can understand how much fun it is to point the finger at someone else. As a feminist I can look at men and see all of the problems they have created upon the planet mostly things like war, hatred, ethoncentrism, ect. But I know that is not the point. It is more important for me to empower myself and others than to indulge in finding fault and affixing blame. I know that as a woman I have been told a lot of things about the way I should act and feel. I also know that it is up to me to decide. So I look at sites that affix blame on others as giving in to that delicious urge to blame someone else for my problems. I remember growing up that my mother took the blame for everything from my father. My father always seemed to blame her for all of the problems. At least until I was about 11 then he began to say I was the blame. Of course my mother always blamed my father. My brother began to blame my mother and then me. I began to blame my brother and my mother. No one took responsibility for themselves. It took some time after growing up to stop looking outside of myself for who was responsible. I spent a lot of time wrapped up in looking at who was causing the problems in my life. Then when I got into my mid-thirties I began to see that the only one causing the problems was me. I then began to look at how I had gotten to this point. I saw that I had been critical and damaging to myself about myself. I was parenting me the way I thought I had been parented. I now understand that my interpretation of what my parents did or why was my own. Finally I asked my mother to talk about what she had seen and what it meant to her. I got some interesting answers. She had forgotten some of my most important life events and had seen many other things in a very different way. So it struck me that I was looking outside myself for to understand myself. I wanted my mother to see things my way. That would feel as though I was right and I hoped that would help me feel validated and loved. I finally began to see that her experience was just as valid as mine and that I needed to validate my own experience. That let her off the hook for my feelings. I could finally connect with her at a deep and human level. So now I have a deeper connection with my mother and myself. I could begin to parent myself and heal the wounds. I began to parent me in a way that made a difference to me. So now when I feel out of control and sad I know that I will help me understand and look at what I need. Now I know that I can make it better.