And If You Did Know?

It has been just under a week since the election of 2004. I have been trying to understand what took place. It seems that the religious right put their man back in office. It is hard to believe that so many people put their religious concerns above their own best interest. In fact that is what makes this so very hard to believe. I am torn between wanting to believe that the election was stolen, or that people are so afraid of life that they simply cling to the easy answers that religion gives them. Or, perhaps there are alternative answers. Once again I want to assert that I am no proponent of conspiracy theories (a statement offered by most conspiracy theorists), however, I do think this election could just be smoke and mirrors. The few people in charge have found out how to remain in charge. That is that. We are no longer free citizens of a republic, but now are just dupes. Playing at living our lives on our own terms. Perhaps we are just slaves to money and the power of the few. Wow, that gives me a sick feeling to admit. I know I know very little about what truly goes on in the world. I am but one person, limited by my own vision and knowledge. I also realize that I do not know everything, it is enough to know me. This in itself is a monumental challenge. I am constantly realizing that I know very little, and am also regularly looking for more information and knowledge.

Since my father’s death two weeks ago I have realized that there were parts of me that I had not seen. I have been seeing me in new ways. Some of the discoveries have been satisfying and some have been very difficult. For instance I have not had much contact with my father over the last 15 years. I finally realized that having contact with my father was very difficult for both of us. We talked through a great deal and accepted our differences. It took care of both of us to do this. But it pointed to the fact that we did not do well unless there was distance between us. It was hard to give up the fantasy of having the father of my dreams, but it was important to do so. I also had to see my father realize that I was never going to be the daughter of his dreams. We then gave each other permission to be who we really were, and to accept that the relationship had given both of us what we needed from it. This type of knowledge was hard to accept, but I know I am better for having gained it.

Now I look at the election and the direction I see this country headed and I have to ask myself if remaining in this country is the right thing for me. I have loved this country my entire life. I did at one time attempt to enter the military so as to serve. I was unable to do so, but I would have. I found other ways to serve and feel as though I have made some contributions to my country. But now I need to make a choice about whether staying here is in my best interest anymore. I am not sure about this. I do not like the feel of the place now. It is becoming more and more restrictive, it feels less free, and I do not like the way ordinary citizens are being treated. I see health care becoming too expensive, protestors being arrested, choice being threatened, rights being taken away, groups of people being discriminated against, the environment being destroyed, jobs being outsourced, labor unions being destroyed, and basic needs becoming too expensive and I am sickened by the direction we are heading. I admit that I am in a quandary right now. I am thinking about what to do. I am not at all sure I will stay. What a difference a week can make.

I am sitting here not knowing what is next. I just kind of feel as though I am a raw nerve, and do not want to move too much or say too much. I am getting glimpses of normalcy, but it is not there. I feel as though I am moving through a fog and yet I am here. I had no idea dad’s death would impact this much. I am doing some of the things I normally do on Monday, but it feels different. I find myself not understanding things, that I am somehow outside of myself and watching myself. It is odd. At the same time I feel a clarity that I do not normally feel. I am not pushing myself, and yet I am finding that I feel connected when I do little things like sweeping the floor. I do not notice the passage of time and yet I am very aware of the time. This is very different way to feel for me. I miss my dad even though I had little contact with him. I feel as though I should call him, knowing that he is not there. I want to hear his voice even though I usually felt either nothing or badly after talking to him. I want to call people to talk, and yet I do not want to have to deal with it. It is a very different way to feel. I miss my husband terribly and yet I am relieved to be alone. I am enjoying the silence and yet I want to be distracted. I have no focus and yet I feel very aware of what is going on within me.

Another thing I think is emerging as a result of this experience is that I can see that an awful lot of what I have been worrying about is not worth the time and effort. Being so involved in politics for example, while it can be fun and interesting, needs to be put in the proper perspective. I like looking at politics and will continue to do so, but I need to keep a perspective about it. It is only one part of my life, it has only the significance I give it and no more. Things have always been difficult in the world, and will continue to be so. I can do some small things to help, and no more. I need to take a break from things now and then. I think this coming weekend my husband and I can give ourselves permission to do something just for us. I have truly enjoyed being in this campaign and I love the friends I have made, but I need to keep in mind that politics overall are meaningless. The people involved are important, the outcomes and the mess they provide are not real. I guess that is the key to this. What is after all real? The mess being made by the Washington Keystone Cops is not real. The truth of life is about people; not money, not power, not politics, not ownership, not any of the artificial things we run after. People and love are real.