And If You Did Know?

I miss Michele with an intensity that is sometimes frightening. She was my anchor in a stormy world, and a guide through troubled times. I want so badly at times to pick up my cell phone, press and hold her speed dial button, and hear her beautiful voice saying, “Hello Sweetie” in my ear. She would sense that I was having a hard time today and would draw me out so I could release my frustration, fear, or upset.

Now all I can do is talk to her memory and listen with my heart for the increasingly faint echos of her love. I used to tell her that before she came into my life that I lived in darkness and shadow; that she was the sunshine that allowed me to bloom and grow. My skies are cloudy once again, and darkness is falling.

I miss Michele.

Dear Michele,

On this day (the tenth) in October you took your own life, ending one part of your journey, and setting us apart on this physical plane of existence. I won’t deny that it has been hard for me to get through the minutes, hours, and days, for it has been very hard in some ways. I miss being able to talk to you. I miss the healing power of your touch on my body. I feel lonely and isolated much of the time.

Lately I’ve been struggling with how to move forward into the next stage of my life. I don’t believe that I am ready for a new relationship yet. Every time I start to imagine what it would be like I either feel like I am betraying you or I start to list all the things that made you special and think it’ll never work since no one else can be you. Still I do think about it and wonder. For so long I had a clear idea of what the rest of my life was going to be, at least the broad strokes. Now I have a blank canvas and a bunch of gloomy colors.

I can’t remember if I told you previously or not that I have an idea about what to do with your ashes. I’m going to spread them at some of your favorite places: Big Sur, Multnomah Falls, Garden of the Gods, and your special rock. It pleases me to think that a part of you will always be at the places you loved the most.

I miss you so much
I lov eyou always
Pooh