And If You Did Know?

In 1995 Michele moved to Colorado Springs, which was fateful for two reasons. First I believe that she was going there to find some kind of peace with herself, and that if she couldn’t find that she was going there to die. The second reason this move was fateful was it put her on the final path of her journey towards me.

We met online, on AOL, in December 1995, and started a 10-year love affair that continued right up until the day she died. At some level I believe that meeting me provided her a detour from the road towards death she had chosen. And like all detours it eventually led back to the main road, and her death.

She always told me that through me she had learned what true love was. That she had never felt better about herself, and that she was so glad to have experienced life with me. She always told me that she would walk through fire for me, that she would lay down her life and die for me. I understand only now that by fighting the bleeding and the dysentery and the pain for as long as she did, that she was walking through fire for me. And in the end she did lay down her life for mine. I believe that in her mind she was setting me free to live a life unencumbered by her illnesses and demons.

I am not sure that I am worthy of such devotion or love. But I resolve to live the rest of my life in honor of her sacrifice. I am not going to waste the incredible gift she believed she was giving me.

I remember the trip across Kansas when you were moving to Illinois, and playing 20 Questions. You had picked Bugs Bunny as the answer and I was unable to guess it. When I learned what the answer was I said that was pretty existential and how could it be an animal. You said it was not an existential vegetable. And the way you said it was so perfectly timed that I laughed until I cried and had to pull the car over to the side of the road.

The sound of your laughter lifted my heart and soul.

Goodbye Sweetie,

I am so used to writing you emails from work that this feels almost normal. But I know that you’ll never read this message, that I’ll never again be able to write to you and tell you what I am thinking.

You gave me the most amazing, wonderful, loving ten years of my life. I have been so incredibly fortunate to have shared myself and my life with yours. I have been honored to be your husband, lover, friend, bud, companion, and Pooh. You were always, and will always be my Tinkerbell.

Goodbye Tink, be at peace, rest the rest you’ve earned.

I always loved you
I liked you more and more every single day
I adored you completely
I respected you in all things
I admired your grace and beauty
I always tried to live up to your respect and trust
You had beauty, courage, dignity, humor, compassion, intelligence. wit, charm, moxie, and love for all

I have always been in love with you, and I always will….

Until we meet again…

love,
Pooh