Why We Are Here
So I finally realize why I am here. I am here to give this information to the world. This is something I have been wanting to do all of my life, but first I had to get out of the way.
To give some background, I knew from the time I was a little girl that I had something to give the world. I remember as a small child standing in my bedroom looking at the back of my hand. I heard a voice saything “Look at that and remember how it looks. As you grow it will change and it will help you remember that you have changed”. I remember thinking that the voice sounded loving and kind. It was neither male nor female. It was just there. This happened when I was five. Then at about age six I remember coming home from an outing. I was on a bus. I remember it was night and I was tired but I also felt very good. The voice said “Remember this and enjoy it, this will help you when things are not going well”. I also remember listening to the voice as I did things. It always helped me feel as though everything was going to be alright. On another occasion I was in church. The minister was talking about the Sermon on the Mount by Jesus. I was following along in my Bible. When he got to the part about “seek and ye shall find. Knock and the doors will be opened for you”. I knew that it was very real. I saw the words on the page glow. I even heard some beautiful music in the background. I remember thinking that I had been given a very important truth. I knew that I had something to give the world and that I just needed to begin looking for it.
Over the years I began to search. I went to many churchs. I tried many different philosophies. I did not find my truth. I knew I was looking for something and I knew I would know it when I found it. But I just could not seem to get to it. So I went to work. I began working at a police department as a clerk and soon got promoted to crime scene technician. Over time I got promoted again and again. Then after ten years I made a mistake. I lied. I said I had a degree before I actually did. I had been going to school to get the promotion to crime scene technician. I worked at it for two years. I then stopped working on it because it felt hopeless. But after a while it happened. I got the promotion. So I just let myself talk about the Associates degree as if I had it. After six years and four promotions I was in line for another promotion. I was asked to list all of my training and experience. I put on the form that I had the degree. I was actually sixteen hours short. So they asked me to produce the degree. I could not. I was shattered. I felt as though my world had fallen apart. In fact it had. I now realize that I had based that world in part on lies. I hated the job, but told myself that I loved it. I did not like the working conditions, but told myself that I loved it there. I hated the hours, but told myself that it was just part of the job. So I now see that the lesson was that I needed to be more honest about what was going on.
I then went to college in earnest. I got the Associates degree and went to work on my Bachelors. I then went on and got my Masters. During my Bachelors degree I majored in psychology. While there I took psychopathology. Like everyone else I saw myself in all of the illnesses and personality disorders there were. But one of them truly stood out. It was post-traumatic stress disorder. I began to have a physical reaction when the teacher spoke of the symptoms. At first I thought I was having this reaction because my father had been in World War II and Korea. I thought I was beginning to see how he had gotten into such trouble emotionally and spiritually. I was so upset by this that I went to the counseling center to talk about it. I then joined a group of others who needed to talk. I began to talk about myself and discovered that the reaction had been about my life experiences. My father is a rageaholic. So I grew up in a combat zone. I never knew when he was going to explode. So I began to distance myself from my feelings because it was not safe to have them in such circumstances. My mother is a borderline personality disorder and that is a very difficult thing to deal with. She lied when the truth would help her. So I learned at an early age to be distance from myself and to lie. I had quite a job on my hands. I needed to get in touch with the actual me. One of the major roadblocks to this is that there is no easy way to do it and that it is an individual thing.
I got my Masters degree and became a psychotherapist. I was in supervision from the beginning. In my case I had a brilliant supervisor. She talked about what I was doing and why. I had to go inside myself and discover what was standing in my way. Over the next eight years I worked as a therapist and talked every week about who I was and why I was doing what I was doing. It was at times excruiating and very disheartening. I thought I was going to just lose it. But I kept going. I also got involved in several weekend retreats where I got to even more of my issues. I did not hear from the voice during these times per se, but I always felt as though I had love and support.
Finally over time I worked at several jobs. Then I began to work with sex offenders. This was a challenge on many levels. But the biggest part was about being honest. When I first began to work with them I thought they knew they were lying. I thought it would be a matter of my just pointing it out to them. I was very wrong. They became even more defended. So I began to look at what I was doing. I was being judgemental and punishing. Much the way I was treating myself. I was not helping anyone. So I began to look at me. I saw that I needed to be honest with myself and not judgemental. I began to do just that. It also began to happen with the clients. Over time I began to get some information that I found very helpful.
Throughout my life I have been led to some wonderful and special information. I realize that the beginning of this was the Bible. From there I was led to other information that has been helpful. At one time I was in a bookstore in Elizabeth City, NC. I was in the back of the store and a book suddenly fell down in front of me. It was called Messages From Michael by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro. It was about information given to a group of people from a reunited entity. I could not read it fast enough. I knew I had found some very fundamental truth. The entity talked about soul levels and and soul types and many metaphysical truths. I knew I had found a great deal of truth. At another time I was coming home from work and stopped in at a 7-11. When I drove up to the front of the store I saw a book rack. One of the books seemed to float in the air for just a split second. I went in and bought it. It turned out to be Illisions by Richard Bach. I knew that I had found another part of the truth. This one helped me to see that this is all an illusion and that my perspective of it is up to me. Everthing I read talked about how I was in control of me. I had been raised to think that I was not in control. My father wanted control because he felt out of control himself. My mother wanted control for the same reason. The schools I went to had similiar issues. In fact it always seemed to me that everyone wanted control and that I needed to give up control in order to be alright. I was very wrong.
While working as a therapist I began to discover something that I now know I need to pass on to the world. So here it is.
We are all in complete control of ourselves. This sounds so simple and yet it is very difficult to do. One of the most important things I got is this simple statement: 100% responsibility equals 100% freedom. What I now understand is that in order to be free I have to be responsible. So I worked at helping the clients with whom I came into contact and in the course of working with them I discovered myself.
The way we work is this: We have a brain that is divided into two parts. One side is the logical and reasonable part–the left brain. This side gets developed from the time we are born. We learn language and math and science and many other facts with this side of the brain. We even have schools that help us learn how to use this side of our brain. We take in information continuously and it goes into the system. We are looking for a place of recognition so that we can make sense of it. If we understand basic math for instance then 2+2 equals 4 and that makes sense. As you read these words they make sense to you (at least I hope they do). You have enough background and knowledge to make sense of the world in a logical and real way. The problem is that is that this is not all there is to you. You also have a right brain. This one is much less understood and much less dealt with. This is the emotional side.
The right brain helps us understand the world as well. It is about who we are in the world and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. When information comes into our system it is also filtered down through the right brain and it is also looking for a place of recognition. We need to find out where this touches us in order to understand who we are. But this is not taught. Unless you find this for yourself you will not understand who you are. Without that information you will not know yourself or why you are here. You will simply exist without doing what you are here to do.
When we were babies we began to attach emotions to certain events. For instance when our caretaker was present, in most cases, we felt safe and loved. However when they went away we felt scared. Since we were just babies we did not know that they were coming back. This is a very powerful emotional upheaval. It is fear of abandonment. We begin to establish a fear and had no way to understand it or deal with it other than crying. So we cry and hope that the caretaker comes back. For some the caretaker does and for others they do not. So we form a core fear. Anything that feels like this from now on touches us at a very basic level. Over time unless it is understood and resolved it becomes bigger and bigger. This explains one of the most basic fears of all people. We are all afraid of being abandoned. Unless we recognize that is the case then we do all sorts of things to keep this from happening. Some never let anyone in so that they do not have to deal with the fear. This can be a very lonely and difficult life. Others want to keep the other person from leaving so they try controlling, either themselves or the other. In the first instance this means doing things that keep us hidden such as trying to have an identity based on other’s perception. This can be very difficult. Some of the ways we do this are: trying to fit into the stereotype of male or female. Since these are externally determined they are not real and not our truth. The result is often trying even harder to fit in. Some men work hard at being what they are supposed to be instead of who they are. They adopt the attitudes they should have and never get past it. The same is true of women. They try to be what they think others want. All of this so that we can avoid feeling abandoned. One of the most important problems with this is that we abandon ourselves in trying to fit in. So we perpetuate that which we are so desparte to avoid.
Another core fear that is fairly universal is fear of getting caught or fear of exposure. This one starts in childhood. One of the ways it can start is to have our caretaker suddenly become upset at what we are doing and wanting to stop us. As a child we just do what pleases us and makes us happy. However this does not usually mean the same to others. I may have enjoyed writing on the walls with a marker, but my mother did not want me to do it. So she became upset with me for doing it. As I child I did not truly understand why she was upset other than I was wrong or bad. So I connected other people being upset with my being somehow wrong or bad. I usually got punished for being wrong so I began to connect having fun with being punished. I began to try to hide my feelings because I associated having good feelings with being wrong. So I did not learn to express myself in ways that were true for me. My mother did not try to hurt me she was actually just trying to take care of herself by not having me do things that cause her more work. But we never talked about what it meant to me so I made connections that did not help me feel safe in the world.
I think the main reason for being here is to discover our truth. Not the story for publication or false personality (see Messages From Michael by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro). This false personality begins in childhood, it is the way we take care of ourselves. We develop coping mechanisms or ego defenses that help us get by. The problem is that unless we discover why we do this we just continue to do it throughout life, usually in a childlike manner. The way to uncover this type of behavior is to stop and listen to ourselves about what we are truly feeling and when we felt this way the first time. If we let ourselves get down to this core of truth we will begin to live our truth. It is a difficult task, and not one that is taught, but it is the only way to do it.