And If You Did Know?

In Memory of Sharon Michele McAvoy Nichols .:. December 24, 1949 – October 10, 2005

March 1, 2005

Some Thoughts

Filed under: her words — mark @ 3:09 pm

It has been some time since I made an entry here. In October my father died and then in December my mother became ill and had to be hospitalized. She then went into a nursing home and became more and more depressed. I fought to keep her there as I wanted her to be looked after. Over time I realized that what I actually wanted was for some to take care of her because I could not. I lived with or near my mother for the first 4/5 of my life. I took care of her for most of that time. I finally realized that I could not make her happy. I put off living my own life in an attempt to see her happy and healthy before I began to live. After getting breast cancer and seeing just how unhappy I was I began to see that I was not helping my mother nor myself in staying with her. I was trying to do something that is impossible, I was trying to make someone else happy. It just does not work. So after a few years of letting this information become part of me, I saw that I needed to begin to live my own life. I needed to go somewhere that I knew no one and had to rely upon myself. It was only then that I began to let someone into that protective bubble and I could begin to express myself. I am married to a wonderful man and I am very happy with that. But now my mother was in trouble again and I felt the need to go there and take care of her. I realized that doing that would not help me, or her, but the push was there. I overcame this because we simply did not have the money to allow this, and I knew it was wrong. I stayed here and took care of as much as possible over the phone. Of course I have family there who jumped in and did everything they could. My Aunt Betty has put forth tremendous effort and has been wonderful. I have realized that asking for help is alright. I have further realized that allowing that help to happen as it does is important. I have learned a great deal about myself through this process. I have always been reluctant to ask for help. I have often told myself that asking for help was asking for trouble. I see that this is truly about is letting myself get the help I need. So I am going to start writing again. This writting helps me as well. I get to say whatever I want and that is great. My mother is home again. She has a number of services in place to help and my aunts, of whom there are 6, have agreed to help by going by to see her.

So I am writing again. Nice to be back. I have missed you.

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