And If You Did Know?

In Memory of Sharon Michele McAvoy Nichols .:. December 24, 1949 – October 10, 2005

November 23, 2005


Filed under: goodbye — mark @ 7:32 am

Dear Sweetie,

This week it is Thanksgiving. We were going to travel this year to Currytuck to see your aunts and remember your mom. Instead I am staying in the apartment and eating dinner with strangers. Betty was more that willing to have me come there anyway and I was sorely tempted to go, but in the end I couldn’t bring myself to go without you by my side. I did send a portion of the cremains on to Betty; she is going to put you with your mom and on Friday a little of both of you will be spread on the ocean.

With just one day off this week I am not traveling to Illinois. Going there this year would be doubly hard as mom is in the hospital. It’s a long story, but it doesn’t appear likely that she’ll be home tomorrow. Her week long stay (so far) has been hard on my dad. I talk to him almost everyday. Last night he said that it has been very helpful to share with me what is going on with him. It felt so very good to have that kind of connection with him after all these years. I know that where ever you are, you are wearing your fierce smile, and that you are genuinely pleased for me. And for him.

Friends of mine from Ohio are coming here to see their family for Thanksgiving. Ann, Dan and Katie are going to stay with me tonight at least, and probably tomorrow night as well. I made a pot of our spaghetti sauce for them for dinner this evening. And I baked a chocolate cake too. It’s the first cake I’ve made since you died and it turned out pretty good. The frosting is maybe just a hint too bitter, but it is very smooth and chocolaty. I can’t eat a whole cake by myself so I’m not sure how to have them anymore. I guess I could eat what I want for a couple of days and then bring the rest into work to share. I don’t want to stop having cake, but I don’t like not being able to make them for you any more.

I had corned beef stew this week. It turned out very nicely. I like that you left me with all sorts of favorite dishes. I like that I know how to cook for myself and take care of the kitchen. I miss making a salad for you, or a plate of raw veggies. I was going to make little pizzas one night but when I thought about making a pile of cheese on the foil to toast for you I couldn’t do it. Ever time I run across a new memory that brings the sense of loss up again I wonder if I’ll ever stop hurting over your death. Intellectually I know I will, but in my heart I am filled with despair at the thought of never again hearing your voice, seeing your smile, or touching your face.

I will always lov eyou
I will always miss you
I am still in lov with eyou

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