And If You Did Know?

In Memory of Sharon Michele McAvoy Nichols .:. December 24, 1949 – October 10, 2005

February 6, 2006

Four Months

Filed under: goodbye — mark @ 11:24 pm

Dear Sweetie,

It has been just over four months since you died. Today marks the 17th week, 119 days. I know you won’t be surprised that I know these numbers, I was always the one that knew our dates and remembered little anniversaries as the year went by. The dates are bittersweet this time around. My memories are flooded with all the things we did, the places we went, and the laughter we shared. My thoughts are haunted by the knowing that our plans for the future will never come to pass. You always used to say that living in the past (or future) was pointless as there was no present in it. Your profound wisdom has helped me a great deal; I try to stay focused on today rather than lament either the past or the future.

My loneliness is the hardest thing to bear these days. I feel like I am running as fast as I can, but like my shadow loneliness is attached to me, and I can not out run it. My anger has been greater in the past few weeks, anger at you and at this whole mess. Because it has altered my personality some, and causes the cats behavior to be different as well, I am going to start going to group. The trick will be finding one where I can get some validation. I fear my attitude going in is one of “I dare you to make this work for me” and I’m not at all sure of the outcome. You always talked about the groups you ran and how the peers in the group could rein someone in and give them the validation no one else could provide. I am trusting that there is a group like that out there for me. Tomorrow I start at the first one.

I miss you terribly, My Love. My heart is hurted, and Little Mark is very sad inside.
I lov eyou will all my heart and I always will. You truly showed me how to love.
I am mad at you Michele, and I know that is how this works. I’ll move through it and then this will be a tiny bit better.

Good night my sweet Princess.
your loving husband,

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