And If You Did Know?

In Memory of Sharon Michele McAvoy Nichols .:. December 24, 1949 – October 10, 2005

June 26, 2003

Solitary Thoughts

Filed under: growth,her words — mark @ 8:40 pm

I have not written for a few days, mostly because I had put what I had written on this blog on the Internet. When I did that I saw all the grammatical and spelling mistakes. I realized that if I am going to write it needs to be for me. I have been caught in that trap of seeking external validation.

I want this to be for me. I know that I will get much more out of writing if I do it for me. I know I exercised for years thinking it would transform me into the right kind of person. What I found after 10 years was that I am who I am.

I am here for a reason and that reason is to be me.

Not the story for publication or the one everyone else thinks I should be, but who I am. That is the hardest part of being human; to just be yourself. It changes all the time and yet it is amazingly the same. I am just me.

I just read a beautiful e-mail from my Sweetie. I know how lucky I am to have found someone that loves me without conditions or demands. Mark gives me a place to find the truth of me. He accepts me completely. In this atmosphere I can take the time to truly discover me. That is the true purpose of being here and yet it often becomes lost in the struggle of life.

I want to know more about me. I want to understand me more. I want to accept me more. I want to hear me more.

That is an important piece of this. To hear me more. I have talked to others often hoping to learn more about me and yet that does not really work. To hear me I need to talk to me. That is the reason for writing. It is me talking to me. It need be nothing else.

I know that recently I have been talking to Mark about wanting to share this information with others, but it is more important that I do it for me. I am a solitary person. I need quiet and peace. I do best when others are not around me. I like my own company best. I like people, but I need a lot of alone time so as not to get to far away from me. I get caught up in the stuff others easily.

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