And If You Did Know?

Dear Sweetie,

I miss you everyday, especially at those times when we would talk. Not having someone to talk to about everything and anything is the hardest part right now. Between stress at work, the impending death of my mother, and Laura’s loss of her brother, there has been a lot I’ve wanted to talk about. After thinking about it for a while I did seek out two different survivors of suicide groups and I have been attending them for a couple of months now.

Each of the two groups has a different flavor and I am getting something from going. While it is difficult to be in a room filled with so many sad stories and people in so much pain, it does help to share my story in front of people who can understand what I am experiencing. The groups are peer led which is a bit frustrating as the “leaders” inject their own agendas at times. Going gives me something to look forward to, only time will tell if it is making a meaningful difference. I may end up seeking out a one-on-one paid therapy situation to augment the group stuff.

Over the weekend I went to Illinois for my mom’s birthday. Her prognosis is not good, although she seems to be stable right now. The cancer has won the war, all they can do now is ease her descent and perhaps by her some time. I have been working on a letter to her that I will send this week. I need to say goodbye while I have a chance so I’m not left with emotional baggage for the rest of my life. Helping my father to confront his feelings about this have only strengthened the tie between us. I’m just sorry it comes so late in the game.

Taz and Nekko continue to be a large part of my daily life. Having their unconditional acceptance of me, even when I am emotionally losing it and raging at everything and nothing, is huge. I also have a strong sense that you are watching over me; knowing that you are around gives me peace.

I miss you Tinkerbell.
I lov eyou
And I am still in lov with eyou
Pooh